Hi Lindsay, cheering for you! In case it’s helpful, I had a different addiction, an eating disorder. The way I finally overcame it – every time I wanted to throw up my food, I’d ask “would I want my daughter to do this?” That was the only thing that gave me the courage to make a different choice in the hard moment. (I know this is very different, but wanted to share in case there’s any chance it helps)

Cheering for you. Dont buy into any of the shame. You obviously love your daughter very much. She is lucky that you are considering a change.

Al Anon has many hybrid meetings. Go to AlAnon website and find a day/time that works for you. Al Anon helps in so many ways and you definitely don’t feel alone.

Lindsay, you are not alone. Sober Mom Squad is a group of sober women living all over the U.S., Canada and beyond who are all moms. You can find us on instagram, and there’s a website and app. We have zoom meetings every day. Sobriety is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and for my daughters. I also recommend a few books: This Naked Mind by Annie Grace, and We are the Luckiest and Push Off from Here by Laura McKowen.

Lindsay, I dont know you, but I’m so proud and amazed by you writing this with such honesty. I admire your bravery. I don’t know much about the topic, but I imagine that even writing this publicly and admitting this to yourself is a huge step in the right direction. Maybe the next step is going to a meeting to hear from others? You’re capable of this journey to reclaim your sobriety. Sending you all my love and admiration!

What a beautiful wise comment. BOTH CAN BE TRUE. Someone can have an addition and be just as full of love, and still struggle, because they are also a whole, complex person. Love this comment.

Just to clarify my interpretation of the above (given Anon’s comment, which I don’t agree with): I agree that there’s no choice to be made between addiction + love for others; they aren’t mutually exclusive. I think this was the main point above.

But I don’t think the commenter above is saying that her mom didn’t have a choice about drinking. I think there’s always a choice for someone struggling with addiction (and any of us struggling with anything) to get on the path to sobriety/healing: to get help, to choose in the moment, to seek out resources and support and treatment. Everyone has free will and responsibility for their choices in life. Of course, everyone faces different barriers (internal and external) some people’s barriers are bigger; and needs may vary for everyone; but there’s always a choice + possibility of a better life for the person themselves. The false internal narrative of being doomed/flawed/incapable of choice and change is actually one of the most crippling parts of the disease.

Relatedly, there’s studies on addiction that show that people whose families use language that internalize flaws (e.g. you are lazy, you are inapable) rather than choice and action language (e.g. you are choosing a harmful action) has a huge impact on the probability that someone will recover from addition: because the belief that you have choice vs don’t have personal choice / and the idea that we’re intrinsically capable (vs. believing yourself incapable) has a huge impact on behavior.